A Tangential Vacation
by TangentTeam
Summary: OC/SI fanfic purely for the lulz. Follow TangentOne and TangentTwo on their quest to make the Akatsuki less boring! TangentTwo: Warnings!: All of the warnings! TangentOne: This is already turning out great. (Seriously though, gore/lemon and everything in between.)
1. Where are the Catgirls at?

A/N: This is a purely for comedy. We're writing this as a side project to relieve writers block and stress. ;)

* * *

Nagato: Where the fuck are we? And who the hell are you?

Takahiro: I'm not sure... wait. Your cloak... your eyes... I WILL KILL YOU!

* * *

"We've been hopping dimensions for hours." One states.

"We haven't found the catgirl dimension yet though!" Two retorts, puffing their cheeks.

"That's weird, it didn't say your gender." One remarks.

"Huh, that is odd. Even for me." The obvious man, woman, thing, that is Two, says.

"Okay… now it's being ridiculously vague. Whatever, just jump us into another dimension already. It's your turn." One demands of Two.

"Sure thing, I really hope we see the catgirls!" Two replies. A clap of their hands sends both One and Two into a new dimension.

The world around them shifts quickly with images flying by their faces. A few of them they recognize having hopped through those dimensions before. Eventually the images that fly past stop and they are left in a dark room. The two partners look around the room, surveying their surroundings. A few moments later a large double door set in the middle of a wall opens to reveal nine figures clad in cloaks.

"Oh _goodie!_ I think we may have found something better than catgirls!" Two exclaims. At that, One, very tactfully facepalms.

"Who are y-" An orange haired man was cut off.

"Shut up," Two begins. "You are the first!" He points at a blue haired woman.

She shifts into a battle stance, just like the rest of the group.

"What do you mean 'first?'" She asks, wary of the answer.

"My first sexual conquest!" Two chirps.

"Conquest..? I highly doubt that." Came the reply from the blue haired woman. Two humms thoughtfully.

"Konan, would fuck, blue hair is a turn on. Pain, would fuck, piercings are playful. Hidan, would follow Jashinism and become besties with. Kakuzu, I'll leave him to One, creepy fucker. Kisame, don't fuck fish people.-"

"Hey!" Kisame yells.

"Sasori, I would take splinters for you. Deidara, too many tongues, seriously dude, one is enough. Itachi, just above the acceptable age. Zetsu, plants are on my 'do not fuck under any circumstances' list." Two lists the names of the people before him.

The group tenses as Kisame continues his tirade.

"Screw you I'm not a fish, I'm a shark!"

"Same difference, you have gills." Two shivers.

"Alright Two, you've had your fun." One says, completely unfazed by the naming of the Akatsuki.

"I haven't fucked anyone yet though!" Two whines, puffing their cheeks again.

"So, you're the Akatsuki then. Never thought we'd hop into this dimension. Oh well, better get used to living here for a while. It seems Two has a 'goal' now." One remarks, choosing to ignore Two entirely..

"I do! I have a list of shinobi and kunoichi I want to fuck!" Two proclaims happily.

"Wait did you say you'd follow Jashinism?" Hidan asks, excited at the prospect.

"Yep! I'm already immortal, but that seems way more _fun_." Two replies chipper as ever.

"Chipper? Really?" One asks. Yes, One, really.

"Enough!" Pain orders. The room falls silent except for Two's constant nagging.

"Yes Pain?" One asks an actual person.

"Who are you two, why do you know our names, and how did you get in here? Also did he say 'immortal?'" He demands.

"Oh, that's easy. I'm Tangent One, he's Tangent Two. We know your names because we're dimension hoppers and that answers the third question too. Yes he did say immortal, because we are." One explains.

"Why are you here?" Pain asks this time.

"Oh, well. See we were dimension hopping for catgirls.-"

"Fucking gorgeous idea by the way, God." Two cuts off One.

"Yeah, that's why we were looking for catgirls. Anyway, we were searching for catgirls and we ended up here." One finishes.

"Cats? Those vile things that have way too much fur and too many sharp claws? Why would you be looking for females?" Pain visibly recoils.

"No, not female cats. Like a human girl with cat ears and a tail!" Two chirps.

Pain shivers, completely revolted at the prospect.

"Two, you're hurting him. Not sure how, but you are." One smacks Two on the back of the head.

"Ow! What the hell! It's been years since you've done that." Two pouts rubbing the back of his head.

"Jashinism is waiting for you, come here buddy!" Hidan starts to walk out of the comfort of the group to the two masked men in front of them.

"Cool, what's the first step?" Two asks, walking to meet him.

"Well, we've got to go slaughter some people. I'll tell you on the way. Can you teleport by the way?" Hidan asks, genuinely curious.

"Yep! I can switch dimensions too." Two is visibly happy from the praise.

"Sweet! This is gonna be fucking awesome! Murder and carnage galore!" Hidan remarks, he put his hand on Two's shoulder and they teleport away.

"So…" One begins.

"So, indeed." Pain continues.

"You guys got any more cloaks?" One asks.

"We do, but why should we give them to you?" Pain retorts.

"Because I'll kill all of you in seconds if you don't," One promises. "Also they look comfy."

"Oh? How will you do that?" Konan remarks.

In the same instant three things happen. One, every Akatsuki is immobilized in some way. Two, Konan is embedded in the end of the hallway behind the door. Three, Pain is incredibly curious as to how that happened without him seeing it.

"So... you guys got any more of those cloaks?" One asks again.


	2. Two and Hidan's Bloody Day Out!

Takahiro: Why... won't... you... die!

Nagato: Same reason you won't. We're both immortal here.

Takahiro: That's bullshit. Fuck you.

* * *

"Hidan, I need to ask you something." Two casually states to Hidan as he rips off a man's head.

"Sure buddy, what's up?" Hidan replies as he massacres a group of children with a few swings of his scythe.

"You mind if we make a pit stop at Konoha?" Two asks politely as he starts burning down an Inn.

"Why are you do-!" A random person's head went flying from Two's kick.

"Shhh, you're interrupting my conversation." Two states to the dead man.

"Sure mate, but why?" Hidan asks, cleaning his scythes from gore.

"There's a Kunoichi," Two begins, pulling a rolled up scroll from his vest. "I need to make love to her." He finishes.

"What's the scroll you've got there?" Hidan asks.

"Oh this?" Two unravels the binding and lets the scroll unwind, and unwind. Until the scroll is out of sight, it's that long.

"What the fuck?" Hidan exclaims.

"This is a list of all the people I want to fuck. This kunoichi is at the tippy-top!" Two cries in joy.

(One feels a shiver run down his spine.

"Fucking Two." He mutters.)

"You want to fuck this many people?" Hidan asks in exasperation.

"Well, of course! Not only fuck… some I want to love. Some I want to murder, and some tick all the boxes. It's a tricky list!" Two exclaims happily.

"I don't know whether to be terrified or impressed." Hidan remarks.

"Best not to think too hard, buddy!" Two returns, rolling the list back up smirking.

"Fuck you. Fine, let's go to Konoha." Hidan sighs, finishing his cleaning.

"I never said we were stopping the massacre! We're taking it with us on the trip!"

And so, Hidan and Two started on their journey to the next town, but can Hidan and Two make it without reckless slaughter? Find out right now, because I'm about to tell you. No, they don't. Fucking marks. Every person they see on the way skirts clear, not because of their looks, no, it's because they stink of blood, piss, shit and intestines. The rank fuckers need a bath. The few civilians who speak up about it die a quick death, never to be heard of from again. Adding on to their already magical smell.

"I'm getting sick of your shit, Narrator." Hidan says, not sure why. What the fuck is a narrator? He asks himself.

"Oh you can hear the asshat now?" Two begins. "He's always like that, the lanky fuck always has a stick up his ass about my gender." The he/she/it pouts.

"...Who the fuck is that?" Hidan asks, curious of the words directed into his head.

"The narrator is an asshole," Two returns.

"Is that what a narrator sounds like? Holy fuck, he sounds like a cunt." Hidan states, not realizing the damnation his actions will bring to him. You're not getting any plot armor now, bitch.

"Narrator, I will find you. I have a certain set of skills… skills I've honed over time. I am a monster, you don't want to find me under your bed." Two remarks. Well guess what, shitstick? No plot armor for you either. You're going back to the Akatsuki building.

"I don't think I've ever heard such cuntiness before. This 'narrator' is like… the embodiment of cunt. I can't stress enough how cunty this thing is." Scythe boy states like a whiny bitch.

"Hold on a second, Hidan. I need to make a pitstop." Two claps his hands, and the narrator thinks about how this scene will turn out.

"Wait, Two, where the fuck are you going? Is to that cunt? Take me with you!" Triple sickle faggot grabs its… scratch that, Two's arm, not liking where this is going.

"Yep! The narrator needs to chill… I want this fuck pretty bad." Two remarks, finishing the sequence to travel through dimensions.

(One feels the power surge from halfway across the world, and wonders what Two is up to.

"Well, he's not up to anything good. He needs to keep his pants on sometimes…" One completely misses the mark.)

Two and Hidan pop up without any flare or theatricality in the narrator's room. It's a blank room, a single desk with a 'computer', not that Hidan knows what that is. The party of two stand silently in the corner, behind the narrator without alerting them to his presence. Which is fucking weird, because I'm writing the fucking story, and I am the narrator. So what the fuck?

Two takes it upon himself to vehemently greet his creator.

"Hey Narrator! I'm here to kill you. Do you you have a beta?" Two asks the oblivious narrator who stays silent and oblivious.

"I don't think he can hear us, Two." Hidan remarks. It's not that I can't hear you, trust me, I'm just writing my own demise… though I'm not sure why.

"Oh, so he's playing a game! Great! I love games!" Two states, drawing a random sword out of nowhere. The Buster Blade. Where the fuck did he get that from? That's not even in this fucking fandom!

"Whoa! That's a huge sword! No… don't get the wrong idea. I see you looking at me, Two." Hidan deadpans.

"Are you… sure?" Two asks with a wink.

"Fuck off, go kill the bastard already. He's writing this so you can… what are you waiting for?" Hidan is genuinely curious. As is the persona behind TangentTwo. What's a fourth wall? We're on sixty four.

Two shrugs nonchalantly, "I can't yet, I'm waiting for my limit break to fill." Still not the right fandom, Two.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Hidan queries politely.

Two shrugs again, "I don't actually know. Something about a fantasy on it's finality? Fuck me, I don't actually know." It's called Final Fantasy VII! Fuck you Two, you know this shit.

"You just dinged." Hidan remarks.

"Ah! So I did! I guess it's ready," Two pulls out a game manual from a nonexistent pocket. "Now how the fuck do I use it?" Press the limit break button on the menu… seriously, I put this knowledge in you from the beginning. How do you not know this? Better question; why am I helping you?

"Thanks, narrator! Omnislash!" Two starts a brutal barrage of slashes until a counter in the upper right of his eye hits the number of fifteen. Finish Him! A horrendously deep voice shouts from nowhere. Two takes that as a cue to flash the narrator. You don't get to know his genitalia, the narrator died too quick to find out.

* * *

TangentOne: Disclaimer - No narrators were harmed in the making of this chapter.

TangentTwo: _*** Wink***_


	3. Cloaks!

Nagato: Kid, just stop. It's not going to work. Besides, what the fuck is this story going on here?

Takahiro: I won't ever stop... but for now we can have a truce. I've been wondering for a while, but you take up too much time.

Nagato: That's not my fault. You need to stop hating so much.

(Nagato cringes hard, he's a hypocrite.)

* * *

"For some reason I feel like Two is doing something terribly horrendous." One states to Kakuzu.

"I have the same feeling about Hidan." Kakuzu remarks.

The two give an exasperated sigh before Pain makes his theatrical entrance into the Akatsuki lounge. He's carrying two extra Red Cloud cloaks, presumably for One and Two.

"Here are the cloaks." Pain shoves them into One's hands.

-THE END-


End file.
